I don't know how to start. My life has been a constant struggle and chaos. There has been no real person in my life or maybe I am so toxic that no one wants to stay in my life. When I reflect back to my past all I can see is stupid mistakes and parental pressure. In middle school, I was a people pleaser. I used to be very nice with people so that I could have their attention Back then I was very low on self-esteem. And I used to judge myself. Constantly cared about what others think of me. Well, I think I haven't changed much except for the fact that I don't care much about people because I realized people don't even stay in your life. And what they think is not at all your business.
When I was in fifth class, I was obsessed with barbie movies. And that obsession grew into very deep sadness. I don't know how to explain that feeling. It was not only barbie movies there were few celebrities and at one point dinosaurs too!. That feeling may or may not last long. But that time u compare your life with that celebrity and feel shit about yourself. And you constantly watch and try to learn and read every detail about them. That feeling sucks!And yes another thing that comes to my mind when I look back at my past life Is that I have been always stressed. I used to stress about my exams very badly. I spent 3 consecutive nights without proper sleeping. I was not much of a bright student and never can be!.
The thing is my past has been very tragic from family problems (that are still there and will be there as long as my father is alive) to exams and whatnot.
I feel life is full of painful and hard days but it is also full of happiness and freedom.
Right now I just feel like dying. I am going through the worst time of my life. I don't even feel like crying. People say oh you are gonna be okay. Your life will get better soon. Just stay positive and Blah blah... I am so tired of all that.
I don't know why am I living seriously. For what and for whom.
Well, I would just like to end this shitty summary of my life with this amazing quote I read recently
Suicide is not cowardly. I will tell you what's cowardly. Treating people so bad that they end their lives.
-Ashley purdy
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