My Story So Far (4)

 I don't know how to start. My life has been a constant struggle and chaos. There has been no real person in my life or maybe I am so toxic that no one wants to stay in my life. When I reflect back to my past all I can see is stupid mistakes and parental pressure. In middle school, I was a people pleaser. I used to be very nice with people so that I could have their attention Back then I was very low on self-esteem. And I used to judge myself. Constantly cared about what others think of me. Well, I think I haven't changed much except for the fact that I don't care much about people because I realized people don't even stay in your life. And what they think is not at all your business.

When I was in fifth class, I was obsessed with barbie movies. And that obsession grew into very deep sadness. I don't know how to explain that feeling. It was not only barbie movies there were few celebrities and at one point dinosaurs too!. That feeling may or may not last long. But that time u compare your life with that celebrity and feel shit about yourself. And you constantly watch and try to learn and read every detail about them. That feeling sucks!

And yes another thing that comes to my mind when I look back at my past life Is that I have been always stressed. I used to stress about my exams very badly. I spent 3 consecutive nights without proper sleeping. I was not much of a bright student and never can be!.

The thing is my past has been very tragic from family problems (that are still there and will be there as long as my father is alive) to exams and whatnot.

I feel life is full of painful and hard days but it is also full of happiness and freedom. Right now I just feel like dying. I am going through the worst time of my life. I don't even feel like crying. People say oh you are gonna be okay. Your life will get better soon. Just stay positive and Blah blah... I am so tired of all that. I don't know why am I living seriously. For what and for whom. Well, I would just like to end this shitty summary of my life with this amazing quote I read recently Suicide is not cowardly. I will tell you what's cowardly. Treating people so bad that they end their lives. -Ashley purdy

My Story So Far (3)

At the age of 8, I got to know that my mom was mentally retarded and from the 4th class I had to take care of my younger sister. Growing up poor was not easy as well given that my chachu was a drunkard and my cousin being 8th fail both of them had been to jail which gives me chills to date.

At 7th grade I and my sister were away from my parents due to my dad's government job, we were differentiated from my taiba's children and snacks were not for us only for their children, washing our own dishes, clothes, and house chores was another enslavement for 2 years. At a small age, you are needed to be rooted in love, compassion, and understanding but mine was filled with insecurities, embarrassment, and guilt.

When I was in my 9th grade my dad had married another woman with my mom still being here, this was the devastating point in my life. I was teased a lot from my relations, friends, and family for that my dad had done such a disgraceful act. My world turned upside down at this stage, at the beginning, you feel like you wanna punch people in their face for showing that quirky smile and lies that everything is going to be okay but after a year it starts to be there with you and everything looks like normal. There were many days when I couldn't sleep for weeks seeing my mom alone and my dad and stepmom sleeping together it ripped me apart.

This was the turning point of my life when I started to distance with people and have very few quality friends. I never told anyone about my stepmom and stopped talking to my cousins and family relatives as well save some embarrassment. I started to learn swimming & skating in my 10th grade, did not speak to the people with less IQ, took cold showers, and still taking which healed my wounds deep inside or made me forget them. I started to practice stoicism, minimalism, rich dad's theory to become financially independent and mentally healthy. I started to self learn and make really wealthy friends in terms of knowledge and try to copy a few of their techniques which made me accomplish a lot of good grades in my academy as well as goals in my personal life. Going to hike, hill stations and nature was a source for my balance. I was all alone and I could clearly hear myself about what I want and what I need, this is all at the age of 16 where my habits were growing exponentially.

The real-life was harsh but after all the pain and suffering from childhood, it was nothing for me. After graduating in 2018 I used to send 22 CVs per day to different jobs and used to get rejections it became a routine. I used to analyze my mistakes and come ahead better in the future I landed my first job for 27k for RM and that day my sleep was uninterrupted but I did not join the company since I was sure I am capable of doing much more. I completed a course in data science and in search of a gold rush I had my first data analyst job for 15k salary.

You know there is this urge in you if you are from a poor background where you can't afford a sneaker, watch, bag, gadgets in my teenage childhood it made powerlessly. That is when my third job came, Byju's for 54k with incentives stays in 3-star hotels, cars with chauffeurs and it was dream come true. You evolve from a point and you explore a lot, expand your mental horizon. I made good money and was an HR now giving back to society. I am a fanatic of Suits and Harvey was my role model. I am still in the exploring mode of what I want and now I trade for myself and have plans of NGO's in the future.  

I would like to end it with for those who hustle, evolve, who keep going forward, who is stoic for us I say greatness is coming. 

My Life So Far (2)

 

I was never happy, my family is one of them which is just not meant to be together, my father is abusive and he controls everything, from my hairstyle to what kind of clothes I must wear. I have lost my confidence because of my dark childhood memories, I was bullied the entire time in school and my father used to tell my teachers to be hard on me. My entire life until college was fucked up. I was born and bought up by my grandparents, and when I moved back to my father's house, there were fights every day. I was tired of seeing my mom crying the whole time. At school, I was made to realize how dumb, ugly, and poor I was. I had no friends because all the beautiful rich kids were grouped together. I used to see girls with their boyfriends and used to feel inferior. During my 9th grade, my math teacher told me she felt pity for my parents for the kind of kid I was. My result went down and my grades were drowning.

I had to decide something for myself, I started working hard, I used to complete all the lessons at home before the teacher taught us in school. My math teacher for 10th grade was a very kind woman who believed in me and would praise me for my hard work. I somehow managed to get into the top 15 kids of my grade. During my high school, puberty hit me pretty well and I could sense the boys getting into me, surely I was desperate but never dated anyone till I got into one of the top colleges of my country.

 After I went to college I realized there was a life beyond those dark memories of my school childhood and of course boys.

 My father never stopped his abusive behavior, he still hates me, my mom and my siblings always have my back and are very supportive. I am glowing and growing with time. 

At one point in my life, I was attempting suicide and here I am today, totally live and a better version of myself and very much thankful for everything that has happened till now.

I have accepted the fact that life will never be easy, but I'll have to be stronger and there's no other way!

My Life So Far (1)

 

So here's the summary of my story.

I was a child who was born with a raging thunderstorm and an earthquake took place on my 1st birthday. I was an academically gifted child as well as a kid living the life of a prince but nothing lasts forever and night came which changed my life forever. It was the night of Karvachauth and I was excited to watch the World TV Premiere of Zindagi Naa Milegi Dobara but I had to sleep on time, so I fell asleep at 10 PM. At 2:30 AM, my sister woke me up and I was unable to open my eyes but when she said "Our father's no more," my sleep went away like I never slept. I thought it was a joke but no, it was the beginning of living nightmares. My relatives neglected us and acted like we died with him, my teachers started punishing for the mistakes I never committed and started demotivating and my friend has never been a friend, he confromconme and choke me to death, the teacher didn't even take it seriously whereas he ran away and hid in the crowd but I lied that I collapsed due to dizziness and that's how I saved him. My family and I used to starve all day and have a meal once a day in the evening only. Getting bullied by my classmates, friends, negligence, and punishments by my teachers and my family hating me made me committing more than 20 suicide attempts that failed miserably. I started following Satan (didn't worship, following, and worshipping got plenty of difference) and I was about to kill my sister due to that blind rage which made me realize that I'm wrong. I started searching for the answers by reading, learning and meditating and that's how I felt better. After dropping out of school at 16, I studied from correspondence as well as started working, juggling both, and adapting every knowledge possible from outside. I never got love from anyone, neither from family nor from others and in fact, not even the affection and individual craves for but somehow, I stood against everyone and everything, became full of rage, and decided to survive and achieve everything in life because it's me against the world battling. People broke me even though I gave them a hand to make them better but nevermind, that's life and sh*t happens. I made a song once in my mind and got my suicidal self very much calm and determined I'm 22 now and my only wish is to achieve success in life and die like a legend. The day I'll get them both will be the last day of my nightmares and my life. I was born like a prodigy but I'll die like a legend.

This is the short story (and probably a summarised one) of The Most Hated Man Alive.

Dear Me

Dear Me,

I know you are trying your best, I know how you feel. I know how broken you are, I know how terrible it is when the people who should be there with you, hate you. I know how much you tried in every toxic relation you met with.  I know you stood there as a superhuman when they blamed you for every error in their code. 

But you were so strong, you were like steel every time they attacked you. No matter what happened you were there for yourself. You never gave up. You never stopped loving yourself enough. You were just everything you needed. 

You have changed with time so much and you are growing stronger every second. You won't need anyone I promise, they will need you, they will envy you. They will run after you!

Because all these times when you were growing stronger and brighter they were busy pulling others down.

My Secret To Fight Anxiety

1. Ask yourself these questions.

          Are you Hungry?

          Are you Angry?

          Are you Lonely? 

          Are you Tired? 

HALT This is an acronym. 

You feel anxious most of the time when you have not eaten anything.

Try eating something healthy. Crappy food won't help that much.

You may feel anxious when you are pissed off at something. Your heart races how can she say this to me? Who does she think she is? 

Loneliness also drives you anxious. Meaningful human relationships are thus really important. Make sure you have your support system when you are anxious.

Tiredness is another factor that may make you feel anxious.  

After a long day at work or school, or after that nagging from the boss surely drives anyone crazy. 

For this, I recommend you to have a ‘me time’. Relax. Do anything that's gonna slow you down.  If you don't distract yourself you are going to overthink and worry. Try to do something that will make you feel good

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2. The way you feel is like clouds passing in the sky. They too shall pass. Everything will pass. When you are anxious, you need to change your state. And How to change the state? It's very very easy.  According to research in Japan, it was found that to change a state it takes only Six Deep Breathes. Six deep breaths can change somebody's state from anxiety to peace. Also, check-in your posture.

Inhale deeply for four seconds hold for seven seconds and exhale out deeply at eight. 

3. Anxiety comes from your thoughts. Feelings come from thoughts. We are in charge of our feelings and thoughts. Anxiety and excitement are both aroused emotions. So you can trick your brain in actually thinking you are excited when you are anxious. Here how you do it. 

Become self-aware when you are anxious. Then close your eyes and put your hand on your chest and breathe. Then say to yourself I'm excited as many times as possible. Then ask yourself what I'm excited about? Well, I can be excited about going to the gym later. Also, you can be grateful for something. It requires extreme self-awareness.

4. Well, right now most people get anxious when they can't control any situation. You get each morning you watch the news -somebody died or anything bad. This makes you feel anxious as you are not able to control it. 

You need to focus on what you can control. Can you control all the things you are feeling anxious about?  No. Well, it's ok. Then what can you control?  You can control yourself. You can control your thoughts and breathing. You can control what you are doing at this moment. So then what makes you happy? 

The thing is all you can control is yourself. You can only change yourself.

5. Ask yourself “ Am I okay at this moment?”. Well, I know you are worried about your future or that you got to pay your bills .no big deal. But are you ok at this moment?. 

Because anxiety comes from things that are possibly going to happen in the future. When emotion is high, logic is low. 

When you are in a better state your logic will be higher.

In research, it was found that eighty-five percent of what people worry about doesn't even happen and fifteen percent of things that did happen were easier to handle than they actually thought they would be.